I am part of the energy dance

I think I understand better now. My consciousness is really just another part of the energy dance. Just like the sky is blue I view the world from here. I am here. There's no reason for it, it just happens.

Why am I me?

Intellectually, I know that my ego simply does not exist, but since I was very young I have always wondered why I was born into this body, and not some other one. Now of course I am my body, so the question doesn't make sense, but I still want to know the answer. I think about how I am the universe viewing itself from this perticular position, and I wonder why I am not viewing it from some other person's position. Maybe this is the only position? Maybe nobody but me is conscious? I don't really believe that. There are other people living seemingly seperate lives from my own who seem to be viewing the universe from a different perspective. For me to even conceptualize another perspective from my own is nearly impossible. Obviously the way I describe this whole thing is off, because there is no "I" sitting behind each of my friends or me for that matter. If there was then there would need to be an "I" sitting behind each "I" and so on to infinity. So that obviously doesn''t even solve any problems. The only solution is that there is no "I" at all. But damnit it sure feels like I view the world from this perspective and others view it from another. Maybe I am the universe I percieve. Maybe the universe is sort of broken up into little pieces, with overlapping points of view, viewing it self, bringing those pieces into existence. Then there are other pieces being brought into existence by other observers. But the observers are essentially the pieces they observe because without them they do not exist. It still strikes me as odd, however, that any part of the universe can exist that I do not experience. As far as I am concerned they do not. And so even as others claim to be conscious, as far as I am concerned they are not, because I do not experience their consciousness. It is easy enough for me to understand an ego-less universe if "I" am the only point of view. Simply, the universe is a movie that just happens. But when other "I"s are brought into it, it becomes many movies. This is much harder to comprehend.

Control my self?

What kind of a phrase is control your self? We use it all the time but it doesn't make any sense at all. If I am controlling my self then what am I that is controling my self? Isn't it my self? So my self is controlling it self? Then there isn't really any controlling at all is there? Its just doing what it does and there's nothing controlling anything else.

Saw a play tonight

I saw a play tonight called 4.48 Psychosis, but what the play was isn't the important thing. The play had alot of long silances in it. During the silances I felt like i just wanted to scream. I could barely control my self. I was really worried I might do it because I knew I couldn't really control what I did. Luckily, it didn't happen.

Words

Words really are empty. All we do is play with words in our minds. Sure, in theory, words represent experiences we have. But when I hear most words in a sentence I don't form a picture in my mind of what the word means. I just hear the words and thats the meaning, just the words. I react emotionally to these words. It really is amazing.

Maybe we do make choices...

I saw a movie called "What The Bleep" tonight and now im not so sure I believe my last post. maybe the reason I can't put my finger on what it feels like to make a choice is because im doing it all the time, so I know nothing to contrast it to. maybe I am always making choices about what to experience. The movie talks about how in quantum physics, when you haven't experienced something it exists in all possible states at once, and that only once its experienced is the choice made about what the state is. So when I look at something maybe im making a choice about what it is all the time. This fits in with something I thought of earlier. About free will I wrote, "Mabye the illusion of choice comes from knowing exactly what 'choice' one is going to make." My original idea was that totally intimate knowledge of the state of something led to the feeling of making choices about it. But in the same way it could be said that making choices about something leads to the totally intimate knowledge of that thing. It can then be said that we design our own realities. Now maybe these two seemingly oppisite ideas, the one expressed in my last post and the one in this one, are really the same idea expressed differently. Essencially, there is no such thing as choice because everything is choice.